Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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