and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
