i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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