I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
