Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
