im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize