I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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