i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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