There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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