Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
