Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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