you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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