I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
