Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)