somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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