When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
