Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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