help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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