She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
