I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
