Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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