She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
