Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
