My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sext me about skeletons
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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