I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
