I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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