I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
