she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
