I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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