I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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