you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
