Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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