i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
