I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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