Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
please come you make the beer taste better
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
