dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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