The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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