One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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