Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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