what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Acid is not a monday night drug
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
