I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
