I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
