We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
