He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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