who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just high enough for therapy.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
