I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
