I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
