In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
