what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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