Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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