While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Randomize
