You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
