Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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