I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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