Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
