I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
